The end

As much as this blog has helped me, I’m done.
I am no longer a reformed paramour, I am much more than that.
So goodbye……
When I can title myself again I’ll return.

Yesterday

As I’ve come to love, I woke up with messages and images. I knew that it would be a busy day for both of us. Then noon hit. Not one day since our first messages has that long past without contact. It was the most horrible feeling, I started to think maybe I did something wrong.

So I texted him- think/feel it say it rule. I said it was over 12 hours since we spoke and I’m not used to how I constantly need him. I was close to tears.

He had over slept went to run errands and for got his phone. Just human error. I’m so used to people not caring that I figured maybe he just lost interest. When I heard his voice it was like a cloud lifting. He explained that if he was upset at me he would tell me and I would know exactly what the punishment was.

Always the optimist(a is very cup half full) it made me (slave and brain) recognize just how much of a slave I am. This is a good thing. I truly need my owner, not want but need.

Due to running around we tried to keep our chats short. It kinda worked.

I went to yoga, no edges, but an amazing amount of pain. I feel into a semi-slave state on the bus home, just enjoying the after effects.

We chatted for a bit. No training. Sir wanted me to remember what a normal night was before him(minus the pre sleep orgasm). Let me tell you with the exception of our phone call it sucked! It felt empty, lonely, bored,like I was just taking up space, existing but not living and feeling.

I finished all of the prep work I wanted to do for his visit. He called and tucked me in. I fell fast asleep, thinking of him.

Just 8 hours left!!
I am such a happy slave

Today

Up at 4am.

Waited what seems like an eternity for today.

All of the things except one checked off of my list.

I thought (brain me) I would be more nervous.

I’m not, I’m happy, excited, light of heart and joyful.

This time tomorrow I will be wrapped in sirs arms.

…. And that is all that really matters

Short note to sir

@ 475, time is short today.
Lots of brain things to do.
Think we could make 500 before tomorrow night?
-giggles and blushing

In review-part2

So that Saturday I met my friend in the city with a shopping list. Let me preface this by saying that when I was with ” ex-husband” I was not allowed any sex toys. My shower message and imagination being my only means of release.

So to be shopping once again in a toy store was exhilarating. I had previously acquired a rabbit(a gift from my vanilla friend c) and a hitachi(a gift I gave to myself via the Internet), but that was all that I owned. A and I talked about various items I would like and he would like.
Long story short I returned home no longer feeling the least bit blah with two shopping bags full of items I longed to try.

My blah disappeared due to a good long talk with my brown half and sir.
I remember most about that shopping trip stopping in the middle of the street to enjoy the soft snow and the feeling of support and care sir gave me as I waited for the boat home.

It’s been to long to detail the whole weekend but Sunday was a day spent having edge after edge. It was the day I started to become the pain slut I am still developing into. It was also a day of sir and I connecting and a afternoon of me writing when we were not together on the phone. The posts I wrote that day will never get published as my computer crashed and my backup failed, but it was beneficial.

I remember the feeling of the first time I clamped myself, knowing that was a feeling I not only wanted, but needed. My first touch of real pain/pleasure. The first time sir walked me thru the icing after and had me insert 2 cubes safely (edges removed) into my cunt hole and the noise of delight when they melted and poured out if me. I never want to forget that moment. He was so proud at the speed my body devoured them.

So with 2 days to go I am at near to 400 edges and not one orgasm, wondering if I can make it to 500?

2weeks…….and 2 more days

In just a few hours I will be heading out of work. Running happily through the rain to run some last minute errands before Thursday. 6pm no matter where I am ill make that fateful call to sir. Another celebration of our anniversary. This time not the ceremony the last one was, but even more sentimental, as we are both preparing for a lovely long weekend together. I even stocked the house with food(for me that is a big deal!)

Last night we spoke briefly after yoga, both knowing that we needed food. I had a few things that still needed to be checked off my to do list. So an hour later I called him to be tucked in. It was so cold, but I can no longer sleep with clothes, I must be naked with only my collar on. Anything besides my blanket and comforter and I’ll never fall asleep.

Do to our busy schedules there was no training. Sir said for me to train in the am. I was already tucked into bed and he didn’t want me to get back up. At that point my mind froze. I responded, but I’ll be alone. I had never put the plug in without his guidance and gentle words. He agreed once I assured him that I would be even sleepier after.

I laid on the bed, stomach down, legs together, a new position, inserted it much quicker than I normally would, it was heaven. He asked if I had something low to sit on, I do. He said knee bends hard onto the chest, say up/down as I hit and lifted, he counted. Then walk, practice. He was so proud that it has never fallen out. Then bend at the waist, hands flat on the wall, wait, count to 60 then kegel.
Always wanting to know what felt better? The waiting, the wall was my answer. Then stand, bend at the waist, touch the floor, pull it out quick. For the first time it made a pop sounds. He was happy, that was the sound he wanted.

Then I laid back down. We talked, I got sleepy, kind words, but I had forgotten twice in the beginning to call him sir. He knows that when I change from work me, to home me, to slave me, it isn’t always fast. He told me he was not angry but I had to learn, he didn’t want to punish me by saying no to the training, because he enjoyed it and it would be him punishing himself. So he told me when we hung up, no covers for 5 minutes. This was not done in anger, but I know I have to improve on this. I said I understand and I will get better, I’m sorry.
We continued to talk of great words and there impact on us as opposed to their mundane uses. We talked of how happy we were that the time was now flying and we could be together soon. I told him that I had just finished a surprise I was planing for him(he loves surprises). He was so touched, he said no, don’t take the covers off, no punishment because he was so happy. I asked if he was sure, he said yes. Off to sleep I went, warm happy and secure, dreaming all night if cuddling up to him to keep warm.

3am ish, sir called. I was asleep, but answered. Even though I don’t remember the words exchanged in our overnight calls, the sound of his voice is all that matters. I’ve come to look forward to them as much as my morning emails.

Also this morning he surprised me with a text, I was shocked he was up.
But responded with a big smile, he thinks of me just as I think of him. I’m just now accepting that.

Happy almost anniversary sir!!
Ps. I didn’t open the last email….yet.
2days. 10hours. 5minutes left to wait.

Home

Today walking into work I had the strangest realization. Even though it was Monday, walking into my empty quite peaceful office it felt like home.

Definition of home: warm, secure, safe, familiar

I’m lucky, work is my home, my residence is my home and the sound of A’s voice brings me to that same warm feeling of home.

It wasn’t until this morning that I became aware of that. We had a short phone call discussing some hardware purchases and how busy I would be(as I’m on a phone meeting typing this). When we hung up it hit me, he makes me feel like home. 3more days…..

in review

ok, so a real keyboard, that means learning to live without autocorrect.

There are so many things that i have left undocumented. I started a post regarding our phone calls last night that I will go back to later and finish. It was interesting.

Initially I didn’t want to write about the sexual aspect of our relationship, but just like everything else that has changed. On the first call we had about four hours in and A had me go in my bedroom and kneel for him, I don’t recall the exact physical acts but it was a complete surrender. No orgasm, just a much needed edge and I think his way of testing the waters. He then had me wrap myself in a blanket since he wasn’t there to hold me, we kept talking and it was the first time I had ever entered that slave state. I was no where near as strong as now, but still I was there. Part of the brain me wanted to fight it but could’t.

The next day at work, dressed as he liked with a hole in my leggings so that it would rub my clit every time I moved. Another edge in the bathroom while my hand still wet from my cunt texting him that I would call in 5 minutes.
To list each and every edge would take a lifetime, some public, some with toys, some with words some just his voice or me simply imagining a situation we discussed. Five more days…….We both will stop and imagine this time next week what we will be doing. I’m pretty certain that by the time we see each other i will be well over three hundred edges, ha, last night Sir said 200, but based on my calculations I am almost at that number now. I just wondered how is it that I haven’t exploded yet……but more on that later.

Since we started talking only days before thanksgiving there were times that we would not be able to speak freely, but he always make such an effort to keep contact.

I just read my blog and am amazed at just how much I left out. Thanksgiving was family food and binder clamps. God I still get amazingly wet whenever I see one. I can let go with them on my nipples but I wont anymore because it may push me over the edge at this point. After that stand out edge I went into the kitchen to the most wonderful snow fall, told sir that it was like he was sending me a warm hug.

Let me just say that Black Friday is normally my favorite time of the season, I’m a total retail whore. Having only 5 people to buy for I brought many pretty things for myself. I thought it would be a good day but I was changing and change is hard, even on the strongest of people. My mind and body had started to merge. I was becoming me.

Side note: it was the first time I was internally wet, something I am constantly now. Even when I’m not Horney I am wet, wanting and waiting. My switch can be turned in an instant.

Durning this 4 day weekend we had countless spooky great moments and even tried to make a list of them when we were silly and drunk. (smiles) I’ll post that one day. We continued to connect to mess both vanilla and BDSM, we were establishing trust and that for me is the hardest part.

Friday night sir and I were talking and he mentioned the word slave (don’t really know if it was the first time or the first time my mind heard it). I had difficulty with that word and I also was having a hard time haven been with people I love all day that would never know the real me. Only the mask I make to keep them happy. I was blah, I was struggling and he knew it. At that time his definition of a slave and mine were much different. Mine was brainless, forced, think biblical times. He never pushed me but with gentle words tried to sooth my blahness. always a scale from one to 10 I was at a 7. We hung up and I couldn’t sleep, I was going to wait until midnight but at 11:30 he called. He knew I still wasn’t right and he stayed with me, to feel safe he had me tie my feet together and my knees(with stockings and a pair of scissors on the night stand in case). This form of restraint made me feel so safe and secure, it allowed my mind to shut down and I could sleep.

The next day I had planned to meet my female version of A. She is straight, nothing sexual, but I can be open around her. On the boat on the way there Sir and I had one of the most if not the most important conversation to date. He explained to me what he thought of as the difference between a slave and a sub. A sub will always have her guard up, she will never allow complete trust and that was not what he was looking for. A slave will trust that there owner will do whats sane and best for them and will speak up and keep communications open, but know in the end they will have the trust and respect of there owner that they will do anything they say. To some people that sounds nuts. I say if you find the right person and the connection is there then why not be a slave………If you trust them not to hurt you then why not give them every piece of you. Durning the last week if something happens even at an inconvenient moment I will tell him, I will not shut him out and so far in this lifetime he is the only person that has never shied away from the real me.

He knows all of my deep dark secrets, every dirty fantasy. I even let him read this blog. When he read the early posts he was so kind. How could I not be his.

There’s more to write later, but since the new keyboard needs to charge I’ll end it here.

On the foor

12:27Minds not here slugging is he said type. My cunt hold is pulsing, my slave hole in the air, water that was an ice cube gushing out if me, just type, pucture me chained on the floor, must type so I can sit on his lao.

3:04-so that is my mind during that blissful state. A very scientific experiment A. He said type, just type, if not I won’t let you on to my lap. Let me preface this by saying as a reward for my good behavior last night he allowed me to clip my nipples and clit. I walked while listening to him, he told me to tug on the chains as he would have if he was next to me. Normally I relish in pulling the nipple clamps off hard, but that would have led to an instant orgasm today , so after 15 minutes I removed them. Then it was time for ice. Removing all the edges with my 3 sore spots then putting the cube into my cunt hole while bent over the slave station, then collapsing into the floor. All feeling, pure joy. And above was the result. My normal analytical brain gone.

Phone calls and wine

We had a rather bad ice storm last night that stopped me from any previous plans to run errands. I went home spoke to a briefly a few times, poured some wine, stripped naked and put my silky robe on. He said even though he may not have much time there would be training.

That statement made me joyful, not so much as for the physical thrill, but it meant he cared enough to carve out some time for me.

When he called I was ready, went through the prep motions, inserted the plug fast and hard bent over the slave station(since I had been picturing him fucking my slave hole that way all day). More walking, and I am getting much better at that, maybe 2 more days and I’ll be confident enough to go outside.

He is staying at a friend lets just call her C house. Someone he is very open with. While we were on the phone, she was communicating with her new guy(that makes her squirt). A asked C if she would like to hear me. He told me he was putting the phone on speaker, I said I took the plug out already. He said put it back in, I did, I walked, I took it back out. Now to understand this I know I moan, I make small noises with every step, my voice changes completely. It was an unusual introduction. I don’t know her response because in that state I don’t remember much but his voice. This was not a forced thing, sir knows I tend to be a bit of an exhibitionist, but I’m not used to that side of me yet. It was done in fun. The three of use having drank a bit of wine.
When my brain returned C and I said a proper hello.
Minutes after we hung up he called me back. C scolded him for not letting me cum, he told her that it was ok but she didn’t believe him. So he put her on the phone. I explained that it was ok. That I enjoyed it and I wanted to wait until Thursday so sir could make me cum. She was shocked, I heard her say in the background that he had me brainwashed(laughing and joking). All kidding aside, this is my choice, if I wanted to cum I could, but I really don’t. Before A I masterbated 2x a day, there was no joy in those orgasms, they were empty. I want more than that, I want sir to see what he does to me, I want his cock to feel that first orgasm(as I’m typing I feel my cunt dripping with excitement).
We spoke on and off all night. He even called just to say he missed me a few times. He tucked me in as always.
At around 5 this morning I heard my phone as I was almost awake(damn internal alarm), if was him, wanting to say good morning, not frisky, just mushy. I adore that!
Today he asked if I was ok with yesterday, and yes of course I am. In the light of day I am comfortable in my skin, having someone hear me in that blissful state is something that I’m not ashamed of, that I enjoyed.
Plus during the night C gave me a soup recipe too!!