one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
to truly ponder I returned to the start. I don’t want to relive it, so I just read the first blog.
It was me, screaming out, not wanting to turn back into my old self.
It’s funny because Sir refers to me when we first met as old me, in truth, he never knew old me. Old me I consider to be the miserable, vanilla, married workaholic. The me before I was accidentally launched back into kink.
Funny because I wrote my first post not wanting him back, never did I want him back. I wanted the me that I was with him back. I was afraid of waking up empty. It did happen a few times before and it scared me horribly to feel that cold and disconnected.
I was slowly slipping back into a pattern of self hatred, self abuse and neglect. I drank every night, eating less than 500 calories (alcohol included), working out 16 hours a week. I would pase the floors talking to myself, sometimes screaming and crying.
I had tried to build up the nerve to go back onto collarspace. I did for an hour that day, spoke to one man, then shut it down. I was scared, afraid only knowing how my ex had made me suffer.
Just 7 days later …. Bored to tears at work, I said screw it and tried again. The vanilla dating sites held no interest and I figured the worst that could happen is I block many creeps. Maybe have a few funny conversations with the hundreds of fakes and get through my work day a little more entertained.
That’s when we first spoke. It was unexpected and I had little intention of calling that night. I figured I’d chicken out or he’d have given me a fake number.
He told me to hold his hand and what’s even more amazing to me, through all of the changes, drama and sadness of this past year, he has not once let go of my hand.
So one year later, life’s no where near perfect, but I feel more and live more than I ever thought possible.
Sir knows I’ve been down on myself lately. He told me today when I had a chance to reread my old blog. I guess I needed to hear the words and feel the old me again.
A few posts in I messaged Sir asking his take. I was starting to write mine. He’s better at voice, me better at writing. I finished the blog, reliving the pain that brought me to this venue of expression. I remembered where I was (a place as of today I severed the last tie with) the things I was doing and my state of mind.
I felt I was much more immature. I was lost and torn over what my only D/s relationship had shown me. I was fighting to get better, keep going, every breath was a struggle to keep my head above water.
When I started to coorespond with Sir, he gave me hope. I don’t think I ever really explained that to him. Hope that, there was another human being out there that knew what I needed. Someone that would not “put up” with me, but more understood and cared for the many people I am.
He felt I was just more naive, not knowing what a good functional D/s relationship was. I’ve only ever had an abusive past one to go on.
In the past 7 months he’s taught me more than the kinky parts, he’s taught me….I’m a good girl, that I’m his good girl. All of the parts of me have gained from …. Just him being there.
I feel that sometimes when I overthink and freak out a little I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I know both the tangible and intangible things he has shown me, have made my soul sing.
Today was stressful again, but I didn’t fight the submissive side of me. I told Sir all about everything and he listened, gave advise and when I was finished gave me good pain to calm my mind.
Last night Sir had asked if I thought us not speaking for a week would help me decide if I still wanted this relationship dynamic and honestly the thought of not speaking to him for even a day is too hard to comprehend. He’s my best friend, closest confidant and …. I may get scared and pull away, but I wouldn’t want to go back to an existence without him.
Much more mushy on this delayed anaversary than in the past. As I’ve struggled so very hard to get here. The hardest part is and was the trust. Not him deserving it, but me, me allowing myself to give it.
So all of the scenes and kinky play times aside, thank you Sir for being with me and letting me be yours.
I have a surprise for you!
Please call me when you are done reading this.
ok, so a real keyboard, that means learning to live without autocorrect.
There are so many things that i have left undocumented. I started a post regarding our phone calls last night that I will go back to later and finish. It was interesting.
Initially I didn’t want to write about the sexual aspect of our relationship, but just like everything else that has changed. On the first call we had about four hours in and A had me go in my bedroom and kneel for him, I don’t recall the exact physical acts but it was a complete surrender. No orgasm, just a much needed edge and I think his way of testing the waters. He then had me wrap myself in a blanket since he wasn’t there to hold me, we kept talking and it was the first time I had ever entered that slave state. I was no where near as strong as now, but still I was there. Part of the brain me wanted to fight it but could’t.
The next day at work, dressed as he liked with a hole in my leggings so that it would rub my clit every time I moved. Another edge in the bathroom while my hand still wet from my cunt texting him that I would call in 5 minutes.
To list each and every edge would take a lifetime, some public, some with toys, some with words some just his voice or me simply imagining a situation we discussed. Five more days…….We both will stop and imagine this time next week what we will be doing. I’m pretty certain that by the time we see each other i will be well over three hundred edges, ha, last night Sir said 200, but based on my calculations I am almost at that number now. I just wondered how is it that I haven’t exploded yet……but more on that later.
Since we started talking only days before thanksgiving there were times that we would not be able to speak freely, but he always make such an effort to keep contact.
I just read my blog and am amazed at just how much I left out. Thanksgiving was family food and binder clamps. God I still get amazingly wet whenever I see one. I can let go with them on my nipples but I wont anymore because it may push me over the edge at this point. After that stand out edge I went into the kitchen to the most wonderful snow fall, told sir that it was like he was sending me a warm hug.
Let me just say that Black Friday is normally my favorite time of the season, I’m a total retail whore. Having only 5 people to buy for I brought many pretty things for myself. I thought it would be a good day but I was changing and change is hard, even on the strongest of people. My mind and body had started to merge. I was becoming me.
Side note: it was the first time I was internally wet, something I am constantly now. Even when I’m not Horney I am wet, wanting and waiting. My switch can be turned in an instant.
Durning this 4 day weekend we had countless spooky great moments and even tried to make a list of them when we were silly and drunk. (smiles) I’ll post that one day. We continued to connect to mess both vanilla and BDSM, we were establishing trust and that for me is the hardest part.
Friday night sir and I were talking and he mentioned the word slave (don’t really know if it was the first time or the first time my mind heard it). I had difficulty with that word and I also was having a hard time haven been with people I love all day that would never know the real me. Only the mask I make to keep them happy. I was blah, I was struggling and he knew it. At that time his definition of a slave and mine were much different. Mine was brainless, forced, think biblical times. He never pushed me but with gentle words tried to sooth my blahness. always a scale from one to 10 I was at a 7. We hung up and I couldn’t sleep, I was going to wait until midnight but at 11:30 he called. He knew I still wasn’t right and he stayed with me, to feel safe he had me tie my feet together and my knees(with stockings and a pair of scissors on the night stand in case). This form of restraint made me feel so safe and secure, it allowed my mind to shut down and I could sleep.
The next day I had planned to meet my female version of A. She is straight, nothing sexual, but I can be open around her. On the boat on the way there Sir and I had one of the most if not the most important conversation to date. He explained to me what he thought of as the difference between a slave and a sub. A sub will always have her guard up, she will never allow complete trust and that was not what he was looking for. A slave will trust that there owner will do whats sane and best for them and will speak up and keep communications open, but know in the end they will have the trust and respect of there owner that they will do anything they say. To some people that sounds nuts. I say if you find the right person and the connection is there then why not be a slave………If you trust them not to hurt you then why not give them every piece of you. Durning the last week if something happens even at an inconvenient moment I will tell him, I will not shut him out and so far in this lifetime he is the only person that has never shied away from the real me.
He knows all of my deep dark secrets, every dirty fantasy. I even let him read this blog. When he read the early posts he was so kind. How could I not be his.
We had a rather bad ice storm last night that stopped me from any previous plans to run errands. I went home spoke to a briefly a few times, poured some wine, stripped naked and put my silky robe on. He said even though he may not have much time there would be training.
That statement made me joyful, not so much as for the physical thrill, but it meant he cared enough to carve out some time for me.
When he called I was ready, went through the prep motions, inserted the plug fast and hard bent over the slave station(since I had been picturing him fucking my slave hole that way all day). More walking, and I am getting much better at that, maybe 2 more days and I’ll be confident enough to go outside.
He is staying at a friend lets just call her C house. Someone he is very open with. While we were on the phone, she was communicating with her new guy(that makes her squirt). A asked C if she would like to hear me. He told me he was putting the phone on speaker, I said I took the plug out already. He said put it back in, I did, I walked, I took it back out. Now to understand this I know I moan, I make small noises with every step, my voice changes completely. It was an unusual introduction. I don’t know her response because in that state I don’t remember much but his voice. This was not a forced thing, sir knows I tend to be a bit of an exhibitionist, but I’m not used to that side of me yet. It was done in fun. The three of use having drank a bit of wine.
When my brain returned C and I said a proper hello.
Minutes after we hung up he called me back. C scolded him for not letting me cum, he told her that it was ok but she didn’t believe him. So he put her on the phone. I explained that it was ok. That I enjoyed it and I wanted to wait until Thursday so sir could make me cum. She was shocked, I heard her say in the background that he had me brainwashed(laughing and joking). All kidding aside, this is my choice, if I wanted to cum I could, but I really don’t. Before A I masterbated 2x a day, there was no joy in those orgasms, they were empty. I want more than that, I want sir to see what he does to me, I want his cock to feel that first orgasm(as I’m typing I feel my cunt dripping with excitement).
We spoke on and off all night. He even called just to say he missed me a few times. He tucked me in as always.
At around 5 this morning I heard my phone as I was almost awake(damn internal alarm), if was him, wanting to say good morning, not frisky, just mushy. I adore that!
Today he asked if I was ok with yesterday, and yes of course I am. In the light of day I am comfortable in my skin, having someone hear me in that blissful state is something that I’m not ashamed of, that I enjoyed.
Plus during the night C gave me a soup recipe too!!
I woke up just now.
Day 2 I slept like a baby and for the first time that I can remember I got out of bed with a smile on my face.
I never knew how much the world could change in such a short time.
My walls were broken. Not with a sledgehammer, but with true pure kindness. I don’t believe that I’ve ever been listened to as well and been as understood(even in my own head).
I started this blog to purge so that I could deal with being me. In the past 24 hours I have learned and accepted myself with an astounding ease.
I no longer feel ashamed or guilty. I was exuberant today. I slept. I worked. I shared pieces of myself that I didn’t know existed or denied.
I can’t wait for the next 24.
Tomorrow will truly be a day I am thankful for.
Oh and universe I would really love a million dollars too;)