one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
to truly ponder I returned to the start. I don’t want to relive it, so I just read the first blog.
It was me, screaming out, not wanting to turn back into my old self.
It’s funny because Sir refers to me when we first met as old me, in truth, he never knew old me. Old me I consider to be the miserable, vanilla, married workaholic. The me before I was accidentally launched back into kink.
Funny because I wrote my first post not wanting him back, never did I want him back. I wanted the me that I was with him back. I was afraid of waking up empty. It did happen a few times before and it scared me horribly to feel that cold and disconnected.
I was slowly slipping back into a pattern of self hatred, self abuse and neglect. I drank every night, eating less than 500 calories (alcohol included), working out 16 hours a week. I would pase the floors talking to myself, sometimes screaming and crying.
I had tried to build up the nerve to go back onto collarspace. I did for an hour that day, spoke to one man, then shut it down. I was scared, afraid only knowing how my ex had made me suffer.
Just 7 days later …. Bored to tears at work, I said screw it and tried again. The vanilla dating sites held no interest and I figured the worst that could happen is I block many creeps. Maybe have a few funny conversations with the hundreds of fakes and get through my work day a little more entertained.
That’s when we first spoke. It was unexpected and I had little intention of calling that night. I figured I’d chicken out or he’d have given me a fake number.
He told me to hold his hand and what’s even more amazing to me, through all of the changes, drama and sadness of this past year, he has not once let go of my hand.
So one year later, life’s no where near perfect, but I feel more and live more than I ever thought possible.
Sir knows I’ve been down on myself lately. He told me today when I had a chance to reread my old blog. I guess I needed to hear the words and feel the old me again.
A few posts in I messaged Sir asking his take. I was starting to write mine. He’s better at voice, me better at writing. I finished the blog, reliving the pain that brought me to this venue of expression. I remembered where I was (a place as of today I severed the last tie with) the things I was doing and my state of mind.
I felt I was much more immature. I was lost and torn over what my only D/s relationship had shown me. I was fighting to get better, keep going, every breath was a struggle to keep my head above water.
When I started to coorespond with Sir, he gave me hope. I don’t think I ever really explained that to him. Hope that, there was another human being out there that knew what I needed. Someone that would not “put up” with me, but more understood and cared for the many people I am.
He felt I was just more naive, not knowing what a good functional D/s relationship was. I’ve only ever had an abusive past one to go on.
In the past 7 months he’s taught me more than the kinky parts, he’s taught me….I’m a good girl, that I’m his good girl. All of the parts of me have gained from …. Just him being there.
I feel that sometimes when I overthink and freak out a little I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I know both the tangible and intangible things he has shown me, have made my soul sing.
Today was stressful again, but I didn’t fight the submissive side of me. I told Sir all about everything and he listened, gave advise and when I was finished gave me good pain to calm my mind.
Last night Sir had asked if I thought us not speaking for a week would help me decide if I still wanted this relationship dynamic and honestly the thought of not speaking to him for even a day is too hard to comprehend. He’s my best friend, closest confidant and …. I may get scared and pull away, but I wouldn’t want to go back to an existence without him.
Much more mushy on this delayed anaversary than in the past. As I’ve struggled so very hard to get here. The hardest part is and was the trust. Not him deserving it, but me, me allowing myself to give it.
So all of the scenes and kinky play times aside, thank you Sir for being with me and letting me be yours.
I have a surprise for you!
Please call me when you are done reading this.
As I’ve come to love, I woke up with messages and images. I knew that it would be a busy day for both of us. Then noon hit. Not one day since our first messages has that long past without contact. It was the most horrible feeling, I started to think maybe I did something wrong.
So I texted him- think/feel it say it rule. I said it was over 12 hours since we spoke and I’m not used to how I constantly need him. I was close to tears.
He had over slept went to run errands and for got his phone. Just human error. I’m so used to people not caring that I figured maybe he just lost interest. When I heard his voice it was like a cloud lifting. He explained that if he was upset at me he would tell me and I would know exactly what the punishment was.
Always the optimist(a is very cup half full) it made me (slave and brain) recognize just how much of a slave I am. This is a good thing. I truly need my owner, not want but need.
Due to running around we tried to keep our chats short. It kinda worked.
I went to yoga, no edges, but an amazing amount of pain. I feel into a semi-slave state on the bus home, just enjoying the after effects.
We chatted for a bit. No training. Sir wanted me to remember what a normal night was before him(minus the pre sleep orgasm). Let me tell you with the exception of our phone call it sucked! It felt empty, lonely, bored,like I was just taking up space, existing but not living and feeling.
I finished all of the prep work I wanted to do for his visit. He called and tucked me in. I fell fast asleep, thinking of him.
Just 8 hours left!!
I am such a happy slave
Up at 4am.
Waited what seems like an eternity for today.
All of the things except one checked off of my list.
I thought (brain me) I would be more nervous.
I’m not, I’m happy, excited, light of heart and joyful.
This time tomorrow I will be wrapped in sirs arms.
…. And that is all that really matters
@ 475, time is short today.
Lots of brain things to do.
Think we could make 500 before tomorrow night?
-giggles and blushing