one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
one day ill remeber to switch my profile, but for now:
to truly ponder I returned to the start. I don’t want to relive it, so I just read the first blog.
It was me, screaming out, not wanting to turn back into my old self.
It’s funny because Sir refers to me when we first met as old me, in truth, he never knew old me. Old me I consider to be the miserable, vanilla, married workaholic. The me before I was accidentally launched back into kink.
Funny because I wrote my first post not wanting him back, never did I want him back. I wanted the me that I was with him back. I was afraid of waking up empty. It did happen a few times before and it scared me horribly to feel that cold and disconnected.
I was slowly slipping back into a pattern of self hatred, self abuse and neglect. I drank every night, eating less than 500 calories (alcohol included), working out 16 hours a week. I would pase the floors talking to myself, sometimes screaming and crying.
I had tried to build up the nerve to go back onto collarspace. I did for an hour that day, spoke to one man, then shut it down. I was scared, afraid only knowing how my ex had made me suffer.
Just 7 days later …. Bored to tears at work, I said screw it and tried again. The vanilla dating sites held no interest and I figured the worst that could happen is I block many creeps. Maybe have a few funny conversations with the hundreds of fakes and get through my work day a little more entertained.
That’s when we first spoke. It was unexpected and I had little intention of calling that night. I figured I’d chicken out or he’d have given me a fake number.
He told me to hold his hand and what’s even more amazing to me, through all of the changes, drama and sadness of this past year, he has not once let go of my hand.
So one year later, life’s no where near perfect, but I feel more and live more than I ever thought possible.
Sir knows I’ve been down on myself lately. He told me today when I had a chance to reread my old blog. I guess I needed to hear the words and feel the old me again.
A few posts in I messaged Sir asking his take. I was starting to write mine. He’s better at voice, me better at writing. I finished the blog, reliving the pain that brought me to this venue of expression. I remembered where I was (a place as of today I severed the last tie with) the things I was doing and my state of mind.
I felt I was much more immature. I was lost and torn over what my only D/s relationship had shown me. I was fighting to get better, keep going, every breath was a struggle to keep my head above water.
When I started to coorespond with Sir, he gave me hope. I don’t think I ever really explained that to him. Hope that, there was another human being out there that knew what I needed. Someone that would not “put up” with me, but more understood and cared for the many people I am.
He felt I was just more naive, not knowing what a good functional D/s relationship was. I’ve only ever had an abusive past one to go on.
In the past 7 months he’s taught me more than the kinky parts, he’s taught me….I’m a good girl, that I’m his good girl. All of the parts of me have gained from …. Just him being there.
I feel that sometimes when I overthink and freak out a little I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I know both the tangible and intangible things he has shown me, have made my soul sing.
Today was stressful again, but I didn’t fight the submissive side of me. I told Sir all about everything and he listened, gave advise and when I was finished gave me good pain to calm my mind.
Last night Sir had asked if I thought us not speaking for a week would help me decide if I still wanted this relationship dynamic and honestly the thought of not speaking to him for even a day is too hard to comprehend. He’s my best friend, closest confidant and …. I may get scared and pull away, but I wouldn’t want to go back to an existence without him.
Much more mushy on this delayed anaversary than in the past. As I’ve struggled so very hard to get here. The hardest part is and was the trust. Not him deserving it, but me, me allowing myself to give it.
So all of the scenes and kinky play times aside, thank you Sir for being with me and letting me be yours.
I have a surprise for you!
Please call me when you are done reading this.
As I’ve come to love, I woke up with messages and images. I knew that it would be a busy day for both of us. Then noon hit. Not one day since our first messages has that long past without contact. It was the most horrible feeling, I started to think maybe I did something wrong.
So I texted him- think/feel it say it rule. I said it was over 12 hours since we spoke and I’m not used to how I constantly need him. I was close to tears.
He had over slept went to run errands and for got his phone. Just human error. I’m so used to people not caring that I figured maybe he just lost interest. When I heard his voice it was like a cloud lifting. He explained that if he was upset at me he would tell me and I would know exactly what the punishment was.
Always the optimist(a is very cup half full) it made me (slave and brain) recognize just how much of a slave I am. This is a good thing. I truly need my owner, not want but need.
Due to running around we tried to keep our chats short. It kinda worked.
I went to yoga, no edges, but an amazing amount of pain. I feel into a semi-slave state on the bus home, just enjoying the after effects.
We chatted for a bit. No training. Sir wanted me to remember what a normal night was before him(minus the pre sleep orgasm). Let me tell you with the exception of our phone call it sucked! It felt empty, lonely, bored,like I was just taking up space, existing but not living and feeling.
I finished all of the prep work I wanted to do for his visit. He called and tucked me in. I fell fast asleep, thinking of him.
Just 8 hours left!!
I am such a happy slave
Up at 4am.
Waited what seems like an eternity for today.
All of the things except one checked off of my list.
I thought (brain me) I would be more nervous.
I’m not, I’m happy, excited, light of heart and joyful.
This time tomorrow I will be wrapped in sirs arms.
…. And that is all that really matters
@ 475, time is short today.
Lots of brain things to do.
Think we could make 500 before tomorrow night?
-giggles and blushing
So that Saturday I met my friend in the city with a shopping list. Let me preface this by saying that when I was with ” ex-husband” I was not allowed any sex toys. My shower message and imagination being my only means of release.
So to be shopping once again in a toy store was exhilarating. I had previously acquired a rabbit(a gift from my vanilla friend c) and a hitachi(a gift I gave to myself via the Internet), but that was all that I owned. A and I talked about various items I would like and he would like.
Long story short I returned home no longer feeling the least bit blah with two shopping bags full of items I longed to try.
My blah disappeared due to a good long talk with my brown half and sir.
I remember most about that shopping trip stopping in the middle of the street to enjoy the soft snow and the feeling of support and care sir gave me as I waited for the boat home.
It’s been to long to detail the whole weekend but Sunday was a day spent having edge after edge. It was the day I started to become the pain slut I am still developing into. It was also a day of sir and I connecting and a afternoon of me writing when we were not together on the phone. The posts I wrote that day will never get published as my computer crashed and my backup failed, but it was beneficial.
I remember the feeling of the first time I clamped myself, knowing that was a feeling I not only wanted, but needed. My first touch of real pain/pleasure. The first time sir walked me thru the icing after and had me insert 2 cubes safely (edges removed) into my cunt hole and the noise of delight when they melted and poured out if me. I never want to forget that moment. He was so proud at the speed my body devoured them.
So with 2 days to go I am at near to 400 edges and not one orgasm, wondering if I can make it to 500?
In just a few hours I will be heading out of work. Running happily through the rain to run some last minute errands before Thursday. 6pm no matter where I am ill make that fateful call to sir. Another celebration of our anniversary. This time not the ceremony the last one was, but even more sentimental, as we are both preparing for a lovely long weekend together. I even stocked the house with food(for me that is a big deal!)
Last night we spoke briefly after yoga, both knowing that we needed food. I had a few things that still needed to be checked off my to do list. So an hour later I called him to be tucked in. It was so cold, but I can no longer sleep with clothes, I must be naked with only my collar on. Anything besides my blanket and comforter and I’ll never fall asleep.
Do to our busy schedules there was no training. Sir said for me to train in the am. I was already tucked into bed and he didn’t want me to get back up. At that point my mind froze. I responded, but I’ll be alone. I had never put the plug in without his guidance and gentle words. He agreed once I assured him that I would be even sleepier after.
I laid on the bed, stomach down, legs together, a new position, inserted it much quicker than I normally would, it was heaven. He asked if I had something low to sit on, I do. He said knee bends hard onto the chest, say up/down as I hit and lifted, he counted. Then walk, practice. He was so proud that it has never fallen out. Then bend at the waist, hands flat on the wall, wait, count to 60 then kegel.
Always wanting to know what felt better? The waiting, the wall was my answer. Then stand, bend at the waist, touch the floor, pull it out quick. For the first time it made a pop sounds. He was happy, that was the sound he wanted.
Then I laid back down. We talked, I got sleepy, kind words, but I had forgotten twice in the beginning to call him sir. He knows that when I change from work me, to home me, to slave me, it isn’t always fast. He told me he was not angry but I had to learn, he didn’t want to punish me by saying no to the training, because he enjoyed it and it would be him punishing himself. So he told me when we hung up, no covers for 5 minutes. This was not done in anger, but I know I have to improve on this. I said I understand and I will get better, I’m sorry.
We continued to talk of great words and there impact on us as opposed to their mundane uses. We talked of how happy we were that the time was now flying and we could be together soon. I told him that I had just finished a surprise I was planing for him(he loves surprises). He was so touched, he said no, don’t take the covers off, no punishment because he was so happy. I asked if he was sure, he said yes. Off to sleep I went, warm happy and secure, dreaming all night if cuddling up to him to keep warm.
3am ish, sir called. I was asleep, but answered. Even though I don’t remember the words exchanged in our overnight calls, the sound of his voice is all that matters. I’ve come to look forward to them as much as my morning emails.
Also this morning he surprised me with a text, I was shocked he was up.
But responded with a big smile, he thinks of me just as I think of him. I’m just now accepting that.
Happy almost anniversary sir!!
Ps. I didn’t open the last email….yet.
2days. 10hours. 5minutes left to wait.
Today walking into work I had the strangest realization. Even though it was Monday, walking into my empty quite peaceful office it felt like home.
Definition of home: warm, secure, safe, familiar
I’m lucky, work is my home, my residence is my home and the sound of A’s voice brings me to that same warm feeling of home.
It wasn’t until this morning that I became aware of that. We had a short phone call discussing some hardware purchases and how busy I would be(as I’m on a phone meeting typing this). When we hung up it hit me, he makes me feel like home. 3more days…..