Me and the bullshit I write

More of me

I don’t think of myself as a bad person. I struggle everyday with my bad decisions.

I have little regret regarding the things I like sexually. That doesn’t mean I feel good about myself afterwards.

In the past 10 years I have had four partners, not because I couldn’t go out to any bar and leave with whomever I chose but because I do believe in emotions being tied to sex. I sometimes wish that I didn’t. Life could be so much easier.

Labeling myself as a paramour was one of the worst decisions that I have ever made. I had never been with a married man. What was worse is that I knowingly did this as I was ending my own marriage.

My marriage ended because I could never trust him after I discovered his online life and his cheating ways. I firmly believe if you choose monogamy, you stick to it or end it. No grey areas.

I know that I couldn’t handle the black stains I was making on my soul. It wasn’t the sex or the games, it was the fact that I was the reason that someone I loved felt like a piece of shit when he went home to his loving wife and child.

Like I feel like a piece of shit laying here months later all alone.

My Only Master

M is for master

One day when I have time and clarity, I Will sit and purge my past.
For now this blog is my way to workout my current issues. I have to start from scratch. I need a way to release my thoughts and stop sending them to people they effect (most often after a bottle of wine).
I was dead. Not in the stopped breathing and decomposed way. More in the I turned every emotion off. I floating, unfeeling, uncaring from one let down to another.
Until I let him find me again.
He’s gone and I don’t want to die again. I can feel it coming. I’m looking, grabbing for anything to stop it. I need to find a way to keep these emotions he gave me.