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in review

ok, so a real keyboard, that means learning to live without autocorrect.

There are so many things that i have left undocumented. I started a post regarding our phone calls last night that I will go back to later and finish. It was interesting.

Initially I didn’t want to write about the sexual aspect of our relationship, but just like everything else that has changed. On the first call we had about four hours in and A had me go in my bedroom and kneel for him, I don’t recall the exact physical acts but it was a complete surrender. No orgasm, just a much needed edge and I think his way of testing the waters. He then had me wrap myself in a blanket since he wasn’t there to hold me, we kept talking and it was the first time I had ever entered that slave state. I was no where near as strong as now, but still I was there. Part of the brain me wanted to fight it but could’t.

The next day at work, dressed as he liked with a hole in my leggings so that it would rub my clit every time I moved. Another edge in the bathroom while my hand still wet from my cunt texting him that I would call in 5 minutes.
To list each and every edge would take a lifetime, some public, some with toys, some with words some just his voice or me simply imagining a situation we discussed. Five more days…….We both will stop and imagine this time next week what we will be doing. I’m pretty certain that by the time we see each other i will be well over three hundred edges, ha, last night Sir said 200, but based on my calculations I am almost at that number now. I just wondered how is it that I haven’t exploded yet……but more on that later.

Since we started talking only days before thanksgiving there were times that we would not be able to speak freely, but he always make such an effort to keep contact.

I just read my blog and am amazed at just how much I left out. Thanksgiving was family food and binder clamps. God I still get amazingly wet whenever I see one. I can let go with them on my nipples but I wont anymore because it may push me over the edge at this point. After that stand out edge I went into the kitchen to the most wonderful snow fall, told sir that it was like he was sending me a warm hug.

Let me just say that Black Friday is normally my favorite time of the season, I’m a total retail whore. Having only 5 people to buy for I brought many pretty things for myself. I thought it would be a good day but I was changing and change is hard, even on the strongest of people. My mind and body had started to merge. I was becoming me.

Side note: it was the first time I was internally wet, something I am constantly now. Even when I’m not Horney I am wet, wanting and waiting. My switch can be turned in an instant.

Durning this 4 day weekend we had countless spooky great moments and even tried to make a list of them when we were silly and drunk. (smiles) I’ll post that one day. We continued to connect to mess both vanilla and BDSM, we were establishing trust and that for me is the hardest part.

Friday night sir and I were talking and he mentioned the word slave (don’t really know if it was the first time or the first time my mind heard it). I had difficulty with that word and I also was having a hard time haven been with people I love all day that would never know the real me. Only the mask I make to keep them happy. I was blah, I was struggling and he knew it. At that time his definition of a slave and mine were much different. Mine was brainless, forced, think biblical times. He never pushed me but with gentle words tried to sooth my blahness. always a scale from one to 10 I was at a 7. We hung up and I couldn’t sleep, I was going to wait until midnight but at 11:30 he called. He knew I still wasn’t right and he stayed with me, to feel safe he had me tie my feet together and my knees(with stockings and a pair of scissors on the night stand in case). This form of restraint made me feel so safe and secure, it allowed my mind to shut down and I could sleep.

The next day I had planned to meet my female version of A. She is straight, nothing sexual, but I can be open around her. On the boat on the way there Sir and I had one of the most if not the most important conversation to date. He explained to me what he thought of as the difference between a slave and a sub. A sub will always have her guard up, she will never allow complete trust and that was not what he was looking for. A slave will trust that there owner will do whats sane and best for them and will speak up and keep communications open, but know in the end they will have the trust and respect of there owner that they will do anything they say. To some people that sounds nuts. I say if you find the right person and the connection is there then why not be a slave………If you trust them not to hurt you then why not give them every piece of you. Durning the last week if something happens even at an inconvenient moment I will tell him, I will not shut him out and so far in this lifetime he is the only person that has never shied away from the real me.

He knows all of my deep dark secrets, every dirty fantasy. I even let him read this blog. When he read the early posts he was so kind. How could I not be his.

There’s more to write later, but since the new keyboard needs to charge I’ll end it here.IMG_1248.JPG

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3 thoughts on “in review

  1. When I was new to the whole D/s experience, I SWORE I’d never allow anyone to make me his slave. Funny how quickly that can change. Now I could never go back to being *only* submissive; I need that slave-heart activation to feel like I am me. I need to commitment and the conviction, and of course, the devotion to feel complete.

    I envy you your journey. You have come so far, with so much left to explore. May it always make you happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really enjoy the simplicity of your ‘slave’ definition. W/we are not much for labels because they tend to leave so much unspoken but that is very much how W/we live and relate to each other. Thank you for sharing … 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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