Just me


So I’m waiting to go into the Gyn…thought it would be fitting to start this post.
Sir asked me to write about how I feel about the words: pussy, cunt and cunt hole, as he knows I am becoming much more used to words that I once would not have in my normal vocabulary.

Home in bed feeling a little better-
I’m not and never was a woman that took offense at the word cunt. It’s just not something I would say either in a sexual or cursing matter. I’ve always been more fond of calling someone a twat or my personal favorite a twatwaffle(when I was looking to piss another woman off).

Sir- just recalled something spooky and randomly funny. I worked with a very prim black woman and when I get annoyed at work my language become extremely foul(Tourette’s like). She turned to me once and said I had a mouth like a pirate!

So pussy was always just a word that to me seemed more common place. But I am not a common person. So yes I may need to be corrected every so often, but I have no hang up over the fact that I have a glorious cunt and cunt hole.

Off to let the medicine work, cuddle with the dogs and watch a movie.

A, Just me

The slave mindset

In less than 9 hours it will be one week. I can’t explain how this one week has changed me, but to write down the experience I had this morning.

When I fall into a slave mindset, my thoughts, breathe, voice all slow, I am peaceful and still slightly aware, I can speak but my eyes go soft, sometimes they will roll, to an outsider I would look high. And that is what it is, a gloriously high state of mind, transcendent, what I imagine a yogi experiences during meditation.

This is a state A has put me in so many times this week. He uses physical acts, pain, pleasure, images, imagery, or the best times he simply uses his voice, even better with words of caring and tenderness.

I woke to to his emails, one a recall of our day, another a wonderful graphic sex scene he imagined of me, the third picture he knew would make me very warm, wanting and wet. All three with such tender words.

I came off the bus, entered the subway (just missing the train). My mind was slow (it had been all morning) from the night before and the morning messages(they make me feel so secure). I leaned against the subway wall, not thinking any one thought, not fixated on a image, not recalling the song playing in my earbuds. And just allowed myself to feel. Purely emotional, I let all of the warm caring spiritually connections with A wash over me.
I entered the most blissful slave state. My body on auto pilot, got on the train, transferred trains. Stepped off onto the platform steps away from work. A single tear rolled down my face. Not from the corner of my eye, not from sadness. From the center of my left eye. I touched it put it to my lips and kissed that tear. My normal state of mind slowly returned as I climbed up the stairs to work. I didn’t need the slap in the face to return.
This to me is amazing, no physical or mental stimulus, just the abstract warm thoughts that caused such bliss, hope, and joy.

(Dearest Sir- thank you for this)

Just me


I noticed many things on my way to work. Again I didn’t rush, I walk with confidence, not racing the world.
I realized my normal professional attire was different today. Still a pencil skirt and boots, but a much more fitted skirt, higher boots. I have more subtle patterns on my clothes and under the traditional cardigan sweater a light(lovely to the touch) button up shirt. Part of me says my subconscious did this for A, but more that I made these small changes because they seemed natural.
That’s what being balanced should be, a natural progression. Balance can not be forced.
Going over my calendar today, I won’t be crazy busy(I hope) but I have enough to keep me busy. I’m sure from time to time my mind will wander back to the events of this weekend and that’s a good thing.
A very bad friend of mine asked(when I was going through fertility treatments), “what was I going to do if it didn’t work”. My response was I would start over, accept that that life was not meant for me. Get a new challenging job, find hobbies and passions, find myself and find someone that could cherish the person I am. She said are you sure it won’t devestate you? I simply said no. This is something many people will never understand. It’s fate, some roads traveled are choices but when fate steps in its different……
This conversation keeps playing over and over in my head.

This blog was originally started as a purge, but has turned into something so much more. It is my way of not documenting my changes, but realizing them as I write.

Song currently playing as I’m waiting for friends to get to work so I can get some much needed coffee.

Just me

City bound

I did something so out of character.
I didn’t run for the boat, I don’t want to rush through days like I previously had.
My thought was to stop for some coffee stand on the promenade and look at the city.
But as I walked through the terminal the boat was letting the passengers off. The correct commuter response is to move out of the way as to not risk getting run over. But I stopped dead still and let hundreds of people hurry by me, closing my eyes and feeling that moment. It was magical.
Now I’m just standing waiting calmly for the next boat, coffee finished, enjoying the warmth that I have internally.

Just me

9 whole days later

I just had a bit of time and decided to read my posts again. My first post really upsets me now.

I know the feelings I have have always been with me. He may have been the catalyst that made me realize it. I refuse to believe that I could loose the need to submit even if I tried.

I recalled many of the bad times tonight. I don’t need to write them because I’ve worked through them. It was abuse, lack of experience, rage, anger at knowing there was never a future. I once told him that at the start of this “relationship” I accepted he would break my heart. That was true.

At that point he tried to end it. I should have let him.

Every time you enter into a new relationship you take a risk. You decide who you are going to be, what amount of trust you are willing to part with, what face you put on. I’m tired of that. I want to be me. The emotional needy girl, the confident sexy classy badass woman, the utter professional career minded person, the lover of all things beautiful.

I will not loose these feeling because they have always been mine. No one gave them to me.

There is so much more to write, but the wine is kicking in and I’m going to enjoy the ride.