I fear I may loose this thought.
After edging countless times with A today I told him ” nothing feels as free as being a slave”. I don’t want to censor that. I want people to hear it. I will no longer feel guilty because I love pain. It makes my cunt dripping wet. That is me and I am for the first time so very fucking happy.
The most sincere of thank yous for helping me realize that sir.
I am currently dance body and soul to this, not the lyrics as the feeling of it.
I did something so out of character.
I didn’t run for the boat, I don’t want to rush through days like I previously had.
My thought was to stop for some coffee stand on the promenade and look at the city.
But as I walked through the terminal the boat was letting the passengers off. The correct commuter response is to move out of the way as to not risk getting run over. But I stopped dead still and let hundreds of people hurry by me, closing my eyes and feeling that moment. It was magical.
Now I’m just standing waiting calmly for the next boat, coffee finished, enjoying the warmth that I have internally.
Let me start by saying I had no expectations. I got home, cared for the dogs then decided what the hell I’m in a good mind frame. I retread our prior messages, still seeing no red flags, so I called. At three Rings I almost hung up. I got distracted for a moment and he answered.
I am a bit tipsy right now and can’t do the play by play this conversation truly deserves.
We started off cordial. Very how was your day, then going over some previously discussed topics. He continued to ask some of the deepest most relevant questions anyone has ever posed to me. I found myself so tongue tied considering the things I had just posted.
I wish I could put into words the sound of his voice. The way it penetrates my soul. But there are none.
He said he saw a flash of a girl in a pencil skirt with a cream sweater. The exact thing I was wearing. We have had many wonderful spooky moments of connection and that was the first.
We discussed our needs and wants. I explained my brief history and my more adventurous youth.
I wish I could pin point the turn in our conversation, but I really can’t. I turned from the guarded professional almost on an interview, to the start of the submissive I’m becoming. He brought that out of me.
He asked me about my fantasies, my limits.
(Laughing) my favorite part of the conversation being him making a cup of coffee but being so distracted that he forgot to put the grinds in. He didn’t realize until he sipped it. By that point he had my mind as completely as I had distracted his.
Something in me doesn’t want this post to go into the sexual aspect, but much more the emotional. They were and still are both there in an amazing balance(as they should be).
What we both thought would be a mere 10 minute conversation became five and a half hours. I did not and still never do want to get of the phone with him.
For the first time ever I crave his constant attention, but more then that his affection. I’m getting used to the fact that he may expect the same.
I could write a novel on this conversation. But I know that night I went to sleep and I felt pure hope. My body was on fire and he calmed my mind. I know now they were separate actions, but both sublime.
As I went to sleep I had that horrible twinge in the back of my mind to not count on anything past that one conversation. If life has taught me one thing is to not count on the feelings and reactions to what you perceive as pivotal moments to be reciprocated. I have been proven wrong. This makes me glow inside and out.
After we hung up we still sent just a few messages. He wished me the dearest sweetest goodnight. I felt cared for.
When I woke up the next day feeling alive, vibrant, excited for the day to come (wet as all hell). I found the most amazing thing ever on my phone. Messages from him describing when he woke up. His thoughts and want of me and his need to share it with me.
He had given me some instructions for the next morning at work, that I was eager to follow for him. But much more than that he gave me a feeling of pure caring. I know at that moment I appreciated it. I craved it. The freedom of expressing emotions.
I don’t try to stay awake or let my mind get so spin that I can’t sleep. Instead I go to sleep sated, with wonderful imagery of this caring beautiful dominate man. Everyday I know him more. Everyday I look forward to waking up knowing that I will check my phone and see a wondrous expression of his feelings and needs. It makes the next day something to look forward to and it’s only the close of day four.
I would love to sit on the kitchen floor all night typing all of the feelings that I gotten me to this point, but my need for balance requires me to get up post this and wait until tomorrow.
Day one-messages
Sitting at work, bored.
Decided to logon to a site that I had not used in a long time. Finding like minded people is sometimes difficult. Within a few minutes on line I had about 50 messages. Most were rude crap(deleted immediately) some wanted pictures(not going to happen). Others were ok. Anything that was non offensive i answered. With in a couple of minutes most were deleted.
Then I received a message simply inquiring if I had ever had a live in experience also pointing out an error in my profile. I fixed the error quickly( for me since my phone hates me) responded and looked at his profile. He spoke of meshing and honor and he sounded like such an honest experienced person. He also spoke of balance, something I look for in all things. His list of likes were not fetishes but normal things you would see on match.com. We continued to messaging until my last meeting.
He sent me one question and I don’t know if it was the phrasing or the inquiry but it really stayed with me, it made me ponder it over and over.
“Allow me to ask you a question: without a sane bdsm relationship in your life- what are some of the things you find yourself missing the most? Both tangible and intangible …..”
I never answered that question as I had to run to a meeting but I made certain to acknowledge the beauty in it. Honestly at that moment it was an answer I could not give.
It is a question with no short answer. Hind site being 20/20,I never had a sane bdsm relationship. I know I missed belonging to someone. But I never received the care I needed. I had in my mind what a sane relationship should be and it was comprised of trust, need, want, hardness, softness, communication, adventure, limits being pushed and having that one partner that you never for a moment doubted they were there for you. It was what most look for in a vanilla relationship but with the volume turned to 100. The ability to have someone bring you to the point that the brain stops and the body feels and more important for them to bring you back to reality with kindness and caring( genuinely). I am selfish in the way that I need to know I’m wanted and need to let my partner know how much I want them(not only sexually). All of this stems from the emotion and trust if that’s not in place the body can’t follow. Having said that I was looking for someone that wanted that too. I had always been afraid that my needs are too much for most people.
Side note: I believe when asked a complex question a truthful thought out answer should be made. This scares most people off, not him. He has never heard my answer but in response to another question He thanked me for “the quality detailed answer back”. That had never happened before. Not just online but in normal life. He asked if we could speak and I said yes.
That is how I found A.
Or how A found me.
Either way this was the start of my life changing. I had messaged earlier to him that a simple thank you seemed……wrong. So this is just the start, my first entry and A- thank you, I truly mean that!
I woke up just now.
Day 2 I slept like a baby and for the first time that I can remember I got out of bed with a smile on my face.
8:49 am
I just had a bit of time and decided to read my posts again. My first post really upsets me now.
I know the feelings I have have always been with me. He may have been the catalyst that made me realize it. I refuse to believe that I could loose the need to submit even if I tried.
I recalled many of the bad times tonight. I don’t need to write them because I’ve worked through them. It was abuse, lack of experience, rage, anger at knowing there was never a future. I once told him that at the start of this “relationship” I accepted he would break my heart. That was true.
At that point he tried to end it. I should have let him.
Every time you enter into a new relationship you take a risk. You decide who you are going to be, what amount of trust you are willing to part with, what face you put on. I’m tired of that. I want to be me. The emotional needy girl, the confident sexy classy badass woman, the utter professional career minded person, the lover of all things beautiful.
I will not loose these feeling because they have always been mine. No one gave them to me.
There is so much more to write, but the wine is kicking in and I’m going to enjoy the ride.
I never knew how much the world could change in such a short time.
My walls were broken. Not with a sledgehammer, but with true pure kindness. I don’t believe that I’ve ever been listened to as well and been as understood(even in my own head).
I started this blog to purge so that I could deal with being me. In the past 24 hours I have learned and accepted myself with an astounding ease.
I no longer feel ashamed or guilty. I was exuberant today. I slept. I worked. I shared pieces of myself that I didn’t know existed or denied.
I can’t wait for the next 24.
Tomorrow will truly be a day I am thankful for.
Oh and universe I would really love a million dollars too;)
I don’t think of myself as a bad person. I struggle everyday with my bad decisions.
I have little regret regarding the things I like sexually. That doesn’t mean I feel good about myself afterwards.
In the past 10 years I have had four partners, not because I couldn’t go out to any bar and leave with whomever I chose but because I do believe in emotions being tied to sex. I sometimes wish that I didn’t. Life could be so much easier.
Labeling myself as a paramour was one of the worst decisions that I have ever made. I had never been with a married man. What was worse is that I knowingly did this as I was ending my own marriage.
My marriage ended because I could never trust him after I discovered his online life and his cheating ways. I firmly believe if you choose monogamy, you stick to it or end it. No grey areas.
I know that I couldn’t handle the black stains I was making on my soul. It wasn’t the sex or the games, it was the fact that I was the reason that someone I loved felt like a piece of shit when he went home to his loving wife and child.
Like I feel like a piece of shit laying here months later all alone.
Tonight never happen.
It was for a good reason.
I don’t blame him, he was being responsible of my feelings.
That got me to thinking.
M was a true fucking sadist. I really think he got off on destroying me not just physically but more emotionally.
The short story of our last time together….
It was short notice, not well planned. I had plans with friends and had the next day off. When he showed up I was very wine drunk and feeling good. I had on the same outfit I do right now, my sexiest and classiest.
I gave him permission, no limits, no safe words, he could break me.
I was ready. Within a minute I became stone cold sober.
One stipulation, he stayed and took care of me afterwards.
I was bruised, beaten, turns out later 2 broken ribs.
He received many texts from his wife. In short he left. I was fine for about an hour, then the afterglow left and the feelings of being a whore and unloved set in.
He checked up on me later, I pretended to be fine, he face timed the next morning I did the same. Pride wouldn’t allow me to let him see how he effected me.
He told me he needed time to think. He wasn’t comfortable with the side of him I brought out and how it was effecting his life.
A few days later he sent me a message and I told him it had to end I would destroy him. He had already destroyed me.
Side note: I had to tell coworkers I fell down a flight of stairs, I couldn’t hide the pain in the weeks that followed.
So tonight was postponed because he thought of me. He didn’t want to run out on me, it was a time issue. I’m hurt, disappointed and at the same time so proud that he was that thoughtful of my feelings.
It gives me hope.
Random thoughts of a reformed paramour 